Love Your Neighbor

Reading the devotion from Our Daily Journey with this specific article written by Winn Collier:

Jesus told us to “Love your neighbour”, but we can’t love our neighbour if we don’t know our neighbour (Mark 12:31).

Reading this makes me realize just how selfish I have been and still is.

I have labelled ‘this group’ as the people who ruined a good part of my life and my focus was on how they hurt me, what they said to me, how they treated me, me me me. I didn’t bother getting to know the people in this group because selfishly I was only thinking about how the world revolved around me. How they revolved around me.

But they’re all unique individuals facing their own issues and finding their place in God’s world. Everyone is facing their own troubles, fighting their own past and trying to move forward in this world while I’ve just been thinking about how their life relates to mine.

Dear Lord

Thank you for helping me see this, I pray you can continue to help me see my own selfishness, humble me to see my own darkness and not others. This way I will always be reminded to stay close to you, to fight my sinful nature by your strength not my own.

I want to get to know the people that hurt me, I want to love them because you first loved me. You know the darkness in my heart, you know the many terrible things I have done and thought, yet you still care about me. Thank you so much, because of your love for me I know I will be able to love this group. I know I will be able to become the person you want me to be. Please give me the strength to fight to stay close to you.

In Jesus’ Precious name I pray,

Amen

Girlinbluue Out

Closure

Two people I trusted. Two people I consoled in my time of desperation.

I went to them for comfort. I went to them because I needed a friend. They both listened. They both acted like they cared.

Maybe they did but it didn’t feel like they did.

What they said, what they did and did not do made me feel like I was nothing to them, to anyone.

At the time of the event  I’ve never had suicidal thoughts. I thought about death a lot, yes. I thought about what it would be like if I no longer existed, yes. But I’ve never planned or actually thought about HOW to kill myself.

It’s been 1 year already but I can still remember what I was wearing, what I was thinking, what the weather was like.

It was a mildly sunny morning. My mom dropped me off at the usual place. I walked along the pathway towards the school. It was a little early, not too many kids. There were two buses at the bus bay dropping off students. One finished it’s job and drove towards me. With it’s speed picking up and distance closing in, a terrible thought came to my mind. I suddenly became so conscious of the pain stabbing in my heart. I felt hopeless and worthless and the bus coming towards me could make it all stop.

Time slowed down.

I remember my heart telling me to do it Just jump out, it’s too late for the bus to stop now it’ll work, the pain will stop. On the other hand my head was telling me to not be an idiot. I felt my leg move towards the road ever so slightly. I flash of hope filled my heart as I realized I can finally put myself out of this misery.

To be honest, I don’t really know what happened next but my leg moved back. I continued walking- looking straight ahead. The bus drove past and just like that it was another day at school.

Thinking back it might not have actually killed me but left me seriously injured. But in that moment, at that time I truly believed it would and I wanted to. And that was the part that scares and haunts me.

I told these two people, my close friends what I just told you.

One was over the phone late at night, the other in a small room.

One was only concerned with whether or not these “feelings” I’ve had lasted more than 2 weeks, because then that could be depression. He made it seem like it wasn’t a big deal until its been 2 weeks. So does that mean that a person with suicidal thoughts won’t actually go through with it until it’s been 2 weeks. ? I don’t know I’m not a doctor.

The second talked to me about her experiences. She told me she understood me. She told me that she thought about death a lot as well. She’s trying to relate to me, that’s sweet. And then she told me it was normal for people to think about death. I remember staring at her. It was then I realized how significant the difference between thinking about death and actually wanting and willing to kill yourself is. Did she not listen to me correctly? Did I not say it clearly?

There’s a part of me that knows that they do care but the way they responded – my mind just cannot comprehend.

Maybe they thought..? Maybe.?

Jesus you’re all I need. Thank you for being my closure. 

Keep your face towards the sunshine (Jesus) so you won’t see the shadow (yourself).

Girlinbluue Out.

 

I’d rather be hated for who I am, than be loved for who I am not.

-Kurt Cobain 
(Heard from Kaitlyn Bristowe on TED)

Anger

Dear Lord,

2015,

That was the year when I woke up.

It was the year when I couldn’t suppress the hurt anymore. It came to the point where I just broke.

I remember the days before this group, I was cheerful, optimistic and I was confident in who I was.

In less than 5 years this group pushed me down a dark and dangerous hole.

This hole consisted of suicidal thoughts, unbearable pain, self loathing, self-hate, bathtubs of tears and the stripping of the part of me I loved.

They took away my confidence and my optimism. They stole precious years from me and gave me insecurities I never thought I’d ever have. They made me feel worthless like I was nothing and worst of all, they just left me in that hole to rot.

So I was angry.

For a long time I was angry because I wanted to be. I didn’t want them to think they deserved anything more than hate. I felt I owed it to my younger self not to give in and not to let go. But I was tired, I was so tired of being angry. It just gave me more pain and sent me further away from the person I was and  wanted to be again.

So God, I’m giving you my anger, I’m giving you my pain, I’m giving you everything I have because I just want peace. I don’t want to waste another night dwelling on the past. Give me rest, bring me back to you so that I can stop looking at myself and start focusing on you. Your love is so great and so amazing that it is embarrassing for me to be angry at anyone. It’s been way to long and I’m sorry for not coming clean sooner.

Please forgive me for all the anger I let consume me all this time.

“‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry”
Ephesians 4:26

In Jesus’s precious name I pray, Amen

You’re worth too much to let anger control you.

Girlinbluue Out